The word birthday is spelled with “J”

Aaaaaah birthdays. The perfect excuse to be obnoxious, arrogant, needy and bitch about everything while pre-drinking Jägermeister and post drinking Glenmorangie, while your close ones have to stand you and smile back. Plus the industrial amount of food taken to your mouth. As said, the perfect excuse only, unfortunately it doesn’t happen like that most of the times. However this time is about sharing with you, my dear lectores, the birthday celebration of a very special person. She is “J”.

Across my life I’ve met plenty of people who say they don’t like to celebrate their birthdays, that it is just like any other common day, that it is a waste of money or time or that during all their birthdays, the conditions were such that bring bad memories. As a matter of fact, also I used to think like any of those ways. I didn’t find much sense to the fact of being brought to planet earth and start the journey of life. Today is totally the opposite side, at least for me. Life is precious, and as such, once a year we have the chance to evaluate everything we’ve done, everything we didn’t, to judge us, to assess us, to celebrate us and grow up, set new goals, new dreams and even to try again, to not let those dreams go away. 

Anyways. Who’s  “J”? Why? She is my ex-significant other, a beautiful northern Mexican girl that despite being in a relationship with me for only 5 months, for some strange, inexplicable and good reason, today, she is one of the very few and unfortunate, able to understand quite a big percentage of my head and my heart. Who the fuck becomes a best friend after breaking up with a person that leaves you thousands of km to pursue his dreams? Who the fuck turns his head and reckons that leaving behind that essence feels like a mistake and also pushes forward to the best friendship path? You could call it a platonic and authentic friendship. Or just pure stupidity; but it’s real, it’s here and I’m glad I have that in my life. 

And today is about letting her know that. As those who know me will understand and for those who don’t know me, will, I’m a guy who finds love emotions quite…overwhelming. My head kind of collapses and reboots trying to understand emotional affection and despite being easy for me to speak my feelings out loud and honest, due to past traumatic experiences, love crashes against a solid wall of fear and I became someone for whom letting people in, is not easy at all. (Working on it I swear)

But back to the emotional story, “J” and I officially met at the window of the apartment I lived in, a couple of years ago. She was the new neighbour, the pretty girl of the the floor upstairs that out of the blue said -hi neighbor!- with a smile, and asked for the phone number of the building janitor. We had a small but efficient talk that resulted into the exchange of phone numbers and days after, a reunion with some friends, good music, solid laughing and smooth dancing moves that would create consequent magical and orgasmical moments of recreation. 

After a couple of months and hanging out basically everyday, my birthday comes to the play and as “Fire” of Jimmy Hendrix was on the speakers and beer was flowing like a sacred stream, she comes to me, with flowers and ask me if I would be her bf. -You are insane, why do you want to do that?- I said. (Not common at all to receive flowers, less common from from a beautiful girl, I was confused as fuck).

As quick background, for good or worse, I’ve experienced long type ocean distance relationships, more than twice. I know the drill; and back then I had in my mind my desires of applying to the program I am now, to go abroad, to explore the world, conquer it and to not let any kind of bound stop me to accomplish that. I know, a selfish and unstoppable prick. Additionally, by then, and before I met her, I had also everything booked and planned to go to the 1st tomorrowland in magical Brazil and let the carioca love embed me. She knew all that. The fuck mate!? And she still dared, -either madly in love or madly stupid, but very dangerous indeed.- I thought. -“J” what will happen when I go, and we start talking in Skype and we’ll miss each other and we’ll realise there’s no way we can meet unless I come or you go across the Atlantic? Why do you want to suffer?- I said. To what she basically said -well why not? I like you, you like me and that is that. If you go and it’s over, it’s over.- I would like to express that I was 100000% sure she had no fucking idea what she was putting herself into. But despite that, I was also sure that she was actually willing to go for it, she’s as straight forward as I am, plus her eyes and ridiculously amazing hair (and boobs) just made me fall for her that night. 

Months passed. Laughs, hugs, orgasms, movies, video games, food, more orgasms, whisky, love. We’ve never fought about anything. Discussions and debates yes, plenty, but no matter how harsh the subject was, always through effective and honest communication. One mistake. Conjured by both of us separately while I was in Brazil. Not as dramatic and painful as hooking up with another person, but close enough to almost throw everything to the void and keep walking with no turning back. And surprisingly it did not happen. Again, call it stupidity, pointlessness and nonsense bullshit. Maybe the fact that we both did it for the “similar” and pendejas reasons, made us realise our love. Maybe the fact that I was under massive pressure and that she stayed there no matter what, granted me another perspective of love. Maybe we wanted to be madly together and realise that in matter of weeks everything would be over and unconsciously seek the easiest exit. Maybe it was indeed love. But we managed to keep going. 

A genius and smart designer, sharp to evaluate life scenarios but not so much for food taste; rebel, crazy, noble, honest and with cool music taste. A crafty artist in charge of designing my next tattoo.  With OCD, willing to talk at 4 am about random shit and animal lover. A very good listener and not scared of speaking her mind out. Witty. Objectively attractive even while using ridiculous shoes and getting distracted every 17 seconds. My partner in crime, my best friend and one of the pillars of my life. 

I honestly never thought this sort of affection existed. Even less that I would have it. But as said, I’m more than grateful with life for having this clumsy and annoying Mexican in my heart. 

The last time we saw each other was at the wedding of my brother, for 3 days, after 8 months of absence. Special, emotional, cool and fun. I have almost no clue when or if we’ll meet again. Not soon for sure. Happiness, love and more happiness is everything I wish to her, in her birthday and everyday. Afraid should be the lad who could hurt her, and not of me, she has a tremendous right jab. I miss her very much and despite we have our differences in life perspectives, I respect and love her for who she is and for what she does. 

Entiendo bien lo complejo que es estar en tus zapatos, sé que sabes lo fácil que es tirar la toalla y sentirse agobiado por todo. Pero eres imparable. Lazy y torpe, pero imparable. Qué tan lejos estás dispuesta a llegar? Que nada te detenga. No tengas miedo. No hay excusas. Pero sin decir “chilo” por fa. 

Thanks for always being there “J”, for taking care of me, for loving me and for always being authentically you. Happy birthday. 

Love ya torps.

The histrionic chronicles: Bergamo

This section is purely devoted to those awkward, emotional and strange moments of my life, that gave me a nervous laugh while feeling head over heels for someone. Some come from life, some others are extracts of my travel journal. Hope you enjoy.

Bergamo, Italy. 29.10.16 at around 12:00 pm

I just found a lovely bench to sit down on the eastern side of the city, and take out my journal to keep documenting the first days of my “all around the world” trip. As I was enjoying the sun and watching and old lady feeding some cats, it happened.

A blonde, tall and blue eye enchanting girl sits on the bench in front of me. She has a black and white stripe dress, black tights and black nike sneakers and she is eating an ice cream. I am flabbergasted.

On the other side of the bench, there is a metal fence and then a cliff, consequence of the upper city architecture. Out of the blue, a black donkey emerges from the hill and approaches to her, seeking to be petted. She smiles, she takes a picture and indeed pets him. Her smile denotes tenderness towards the cute donkey and this is the first time she looks at my stupid face, fascinated by her and her smile. I drop my pen and become clumsy. -What is her favorite band? What is her biggest dream?-. I think to myself. I don’t want to look like a stalker and a perv, but I cannot stop looking at her and I bet my face is the one of a total fool. Very discretely, basically undetectable, she moves her eyebrows and her eyes as if she is having a tremendous internal debate with her, as if she is talking with herself. It just looks as crazy as when I do it with myself.

She looks at me another second and yet again, I cannot maintain her eye-sight and I look down. It is fucking embarrassing, and the only thing I do is to drink water while my legs are just not responding. I don’t even know how to approach her and she knows, I know she knows. She finishes her ice cream and leaves. I managed to stand up 3 min. after but of course, she is not anywhere close. I said to myself that if I ever see her again I will talk to her.

I sigh.

Around 4:00 pm

I find myself right in the heart of the “Piazza Vecchia”, eating an orgasmic salmon kind of pizza, an amazing “merengue” candy and singing “Stairway to heaven” of my favorite band as a street musician goes crazy with the solo. I close my eyes, look up, take a deep breathe and smile as the song finishes.

And is if it was part of a bizarre high school theatre play, there she was, walking a couple of meters towards the “Duomo”. I freeze and think that it is one of those moments when life smiles, like when your mom agrees to take you to SixFlags after 3 months of trying everyday. Hence, my brain gave me an electrical chill and said “go and talk to her”. She was standing right in the middle of the piazza and as I approached, she looked at me and laughed discreetly. Again, I knew she knew.

Ciao! Parla italiano? Or english?- I said. -Hi, english yes, a little bit!- she responds smiling as my brain just got literally electroshocked and there is a “Technical fault, please stand by” message in my head as her blue eyes point towards me. Her name is Tiana (or maybe Tjana?) and is from Austria, I start talking very fast and asking many questions, one of them is that she looks like a very interesting person and if I could interview her as part of my travel, to what (obviously normal) her reaction was to laugh and an expression of “what the fuck?”. She responds kindly that she would definitely like to go and talk somewhere else but that unfortunately her train is leaving within the next minutes and she was already on her way to the station, (which takes a while if you’re walking or if you wait for the bus). -Well that’s a pity but no worries! I do wish you a lovely trip- I said, while my internal systems were still struggling to keep it together. -I’m so sorry! Really I would stay but I need to go – she says. I grab her hand, tell her that it was a pleasure to meet her and we both leave.

As she walks down towards the exit of the square, I turned to see her again. She turns too. I smile and she smiles back as she keeps walking.

I did not ask for her number, or fb or anything, because I wanted it to remain it that way. I will definitely never know if she was indeed attracted/interested towards me, if this was just another typical episode of saying “not interested/fuck off” politely or if this was indeed a corresponded emotional moment. A pure and authentic moment that I will never forget.

Un amor de esos que duran sólo un instante, pero que te hacen sonreír por siempre.


The thresholds that reminded me I have a heart

During the passing of the years, we human beings face different emotional stages like sadness, happiness, anger, joy, envy, whatever comes to your mind, and as the life line increases, our emotional state stabilizes and remains constant during a certain amount of years. But suddenly for some, these unexpected life peaks change everything as we normally know, feeling as if a massive tsunami is traveling inside the body, sweeping away everything in its path and making us tremble. It feels like it is the limit, like sometimes you cannot take it anymore. I like to call these peaks “life thresholds”.

There are indeed different kind of life thresholds; some are straight forward like getting rejected from your dreams job and still keep the attitude that something better will arrive. Some others are more complex and might come when your life is filled with uncontrollable madness, for instance waking up after a very bad night full of alcohol, drugs and fights that made you realize you need to re-evaluate and recover some peace in yourself; some others come when you are not appreciating your life as beautiful as it is and you need to feel a killer instinct co co combo breaker KO, to prove yourself you’re able to do better and be better; crashing into a running bull at 130 km/h is a good example of this one. But then, one of the most powerful of course is the love/hate/anger one , since you might feel like you’re flying amidst fat fluffy flying cats and whisky fountains and suddenly a huge disappointment takes place and you land at 20x the gravity to the lowest point of oblivion and feel as if a “dementor” drains out all your soul without doing anything about it. #geekness.

Yeah yeah, very dramatic and geek and stupid some might say but… Some of you might perfectly understand what I’m talking about, and will actually agree that this shit is very real.

I also call these “thresholds”, because after this “limit”, everything is unknown and uncertain and no pattern or behavior can actually be predicted. The only sure thing is that there is a notorious change on the life line plot and well, it totally depends on every individual to decide, act and walk to the consequence path that suits the best. Sometimes the fairy tale becomes true and after the darkness, a bright and sunny future awaits, it is always a matter of perspective. And bollocks.

I’d like now to share with you some of those love thresholds that really marked some parts of my life and shaped me on this “last Tlatoani” I am today. #allineedisabeard

So, first of all, despite being a crazy, intense women lover, I’ve only had 3 formal girlfriends, and by that I mean to be together more than 4 months and to be more than a sweaty hand. However, sometimes you require only a couple of weeks to totally fall for someone, burn all your brain circuits and give away a baby gorilla as a present just because is Monday. Equally, I’m not saying that other kind of relationships did not make any effect, I just can’t describe everyone and everything. #Nobodycares. But anyway, these individuals have left sort of a “memorable scar” in me, let’s say in the most notorious way:

1. “L”.  New Yorker. The responsible of me starting this blog. The one who gave me the most intense emotions in the light and the dark side. The one who showed me true partner love, true anger, true sadness, true joy for the first time of my life. After almost 2 years, finished in “good” terms and said good bye in the airport as she returned to her home land about 4 years ago. Kind of the 1st Tsunami I felt inside my body. Havn’t spoken in 3 years and probably we’ll never see each other again.

2. “L”. Italian. Sicilian. The one who taught me that love must be unconditional, total and brave. The only one I’ve been able to fight, discuss and then just laugh together about it. The only one also with whom I felt a bit of jealousy when a guy approached to her. One of the most dramatic persons in the planet that demonstrated me that love requires also a lot of balls and a huge determination to live life as intense as possible. She taught me that sometimes, the smartest idea is the craziest one, and it’s worthy giving it a try. We met recently after 3 years, after many online drama, discussions and  hateful messages and let me tell you, it was a brilliant idea. She’s today one of my very best friends and I’m grateful to have her in my life.

3. “J”. Mexican. She probably doesn’t even realize she is in this amusing blog. We dated only for a couple of months but were never a couple. Madly attracted to her physically. Responsible of me understanding about self love, self happiness and self conscious. It was fun, it was not love, I actually don’t know what it was, but it made me grow as a person by myself. We’re normal friends who exchange fb messages every birthday.

4. “J”. North Mexican. An almost half a year relationship that taught me that dreams can be achieved, and that help and support, specially coming from your partner, is sometimes exactly what you need in order to achieve those dreams. Responsible of me learning the meaning of “happiness is only true when shared”. Responsible of giving me that last and most important thrust to my engine and fly to where I am today. The one who had that look that drilled directly into my soul and destroyed all my barriers, knowing who I am and what I’m capable of, and stayed. We broke up because I came to Sweden, in search of my dreams, of a new life, of a better me. She is one of my life columns and best friends. I’m almost sure we won’t see each other, at least in a very long time. She knows it too. But then again, life is like a box of chocolates.

Funny letter pattern uh?

Through all my life I’ve been the cheesy and corny guy, the “too good to be your girlfriend” guy, the asshole who likes every girl guy, the guy who cheats, the guy gets cheated on, the “you’re the most insensitive” guy and the “you’re fucking amazing and also in the bed” guy. Life situations that have taken me to a crazy ride, some good decisions, some fucked up ones as well, but everything allowed me to grow not only as a lover but also as a man, as a person. Situations that for good or for worse, allowed me to expand my mind and to know amazing and fucked up people to live fantastic stuff.

I’m not even close to be perfect and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Imperfection is what makes us love, live and get together. Is what gives us life thresholds and makes us react to them, makes us to surpass that limit.

Signals are everywhere. (Like in the cup of coffee. I took the picture btw). Have you had this type of experiences? Don’t ever stop. You have not and you’re looking for the million pounds solution? Get a mirror, take a good look right into the eye and smile back.

My heart beats loud when I do it.

What do you feel? Maybe a life threshold?

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Forrest Gump. 

The Aeroelastic St.Valentine

In one of the lectures of Advanced Fluid Dynamics, the professor had an analogy linking fluid dynamics with how human beings interact with everything in daily life, for example, the mechanism of breathing and how the air interacts with the nose, the lungs, the blood, the brain. Pure fluid dynamics

As I have learned during the last 7 months, aeroelasticity is the study of how a fluid changes when being subjected by aerodynamic and structural forces and further study fields include the impact of this interaction so that we, as engineers, can be able to predict certain behaviours and cover proper design/operation criteria. #trustmeImanengineer

On the other hand, St. Valentine day is worldwide commonly known as to be that day designed to spent it with your significant other/love partner/sex buddy and demonstrate how good you are at fucking loving and showing your feelings.

But wait, what the hell does one of these have to do with each other? EVERYTHING. Human beings pass their lives striving in the search of a person who can support and stand strong after experiencing the worse emotional part of us and of course after looking at a post-party naked version of ourselves. The point being, that we interact with other people, exchange opinions and sweat, encounter chemical reactions and even discover new features under certain life scenarios for better or for worse. Social relationships become really complex; just like aeroelasticity.

I have always found social/sex/loving relationships very interesting. The way people  find themselves comfortable in the company of others either with similar or totally radical ways of thinking, culture, religion, country, skin color, proffesion, age, gender and the most random reasons that may occur to you. It is even more interesting and even “worrying” how social media nowadays has a H-U-G-E impact in people’s daily life. I feel I’m lucky enough to state that in my younger days, I felt the adrenaline running through my veins when having to call the girl I was interested in and her dad would pick up the phone instead of her. A man with real balls. Today however, the challenge has changed since now you need to be creative enough in a chat conversation and manifest the image of an impeccable, hot asset for that person reading the message. A man with cyber balls.

My St. Valentine experiences vary from the romantic and corny gift full of rose petals, dinners and teddy bears (#awww), to creative dates, true love statements and hot-dirty sex scenarios. But this year is somehow “unusual”.

I must admit that over time I have developed some good “player” skills and I’m able to establish an interesting and fun enough conversation with most of the girls. Before coming to Sweden, I also must admit that I had the oh so naive idea that I would be physically, exotically attractive to the female gender of this region. You know, a very typical latin charming person with salsa dance moves. Well, that was a bit wrong. It is true that the scandinavian population is just physically fucking attractive, but (I must declare that in MY and only MY experience) so far I’ve sensed fucking iceberg type of hearts reserved people, which makes it a little bit more difficult to share my body feelings in a romantic way.

I will also declare that as per my personal sexual preferences, I think I have seen my corporally fulfilled dream girl, more than once, walking around the city, on the subway, etc. I have even met and hung out a couple of times with individuals among this rank but for my bad or good luck I haven’t even been able to kiss a single one (scandinavians). Yet. Now I emphasise kissing, since for those lucky enough to have experienced a country in latinamerica, kissing is one of the most common sports of society. Kissing on the street, in the club, in the bar, in the corridor, even in the classroom. It’s a perfect calorie burner, makes people smile and grants you an awesome mood. Let’s not even discuss sex.

Don’t get me worng, it’s not that I’m worried or urged at all, I am that guy who is relaxed and enjoys the ride, but I just want to point out that in my time here, I have learned (at least that’s what I would like to think) that in comparison with latinoamerican places, intercourse kissing seems to be a private action reserved for those “lucky” ones who showed true game and established a very solid confidence-attraction level and that went ahead through the unbreakable scandinavian social barrier, while at least in my country 75% of the times, mezcal and a couple of beers make miracles in the name of science and love. (#mezcalislife)

But not everything is lost my pueblo querido. Life has taught me that forcing any kind of relationship is never a good idea. Perserverance and will is definitely NOT the same as stubbornness and obsession, despite the very thin line between the two; however I consider it important to be open minded and brave enough to live radically, take risks and leaps of faith, for instance feeling like walking on a rainbow in the midst of unicorns and fat flying cats while holding the sweaty hand of that person, or feeling like being dragged into the River Styx by the very same god of the oblivion because you found out that the special person just cheated on you. Experiences that make you grow as a person.

Aeroelasticity as well as love is supposed to be iterative, interesting and fucking complex; sometimes with desired outcomes, sometimes with total chaos – it’s in their nature. But in the end I think it’s all a matter of attitude and perspective; combining all the possible variables of the equations, learning about yourself and being courageous enough to accept our emotional reality might grant us a beam of what to do or where to go. Life is this crazy and marvelous ride that gives and takes away people from our sight everyday so let’s go for it! Then, days like St. Valentine are the perfect excuse to be obnoxious enough and break on through to the other side.

So I certainly hope that you, those of my locos readers dating someone, share unforgettable love moments and have amazing and magical sex. And if single, go to a spa, eat your favourite meal, look yourself into the mirror and smile for that hottie you’re seeing. Do whatever makes you happy and keep that smile all day long, and if you like the outcome, imagine what would happen if we try to be like this everyday.

Feliz día del amor y de la amistad cabronas y cabrones.

P.S. The coupon below is valid btw.