The word birthday is spelled with “J”

Aaaaaah birthdays. The perfect excuse to be obnoxious, arrogant, needy and bitch about everything while pre-drinking Jägermeister and post drinking Glenmorangie, while your close ones have to stand you and smile back. Plus the industrial amount of food taken to your mouth. As said, the perfect excuse only, unfortunately it doesn’t happen like that most of the times. However this time is about sharing with you, my dear lectores, the birthday celebration of a very special person. She is “J”.

Across my life I’ve met plenty of people who say they don’t like to celebrate their birthdays, that it is just like any other common day, that it is a waste of money or time or that during all their birthdays, the conditions were such that bring bad memories. As a matter of fact, also I used to think like any of those ways. I didn’t find much sense to the fact of being brought to planet earth and start the journey of life. Today is totally the opposite side, at least for me. Life is precious, and as such, once a year we have the chance to evaluate everything we’ve done, everything we didn’t, to judge us, to assess us, to celebrate us and grow up, set new goals, new dreams and even to try again, to not let those dreams go away. 

Anyways. Who’s  “J”? Why? She is my ex-significant other, a beautiful northern Mexican girl that despite being in a relationship with me for only 5 months, for some strange, inexplicable and good reason, today, she is one of the very few and unfortunate, able to understand quite a big percentage of my head and my heart. Who the fuck becomes a best friend after breaking up with a person that leaves you thousands of km to pursue his dreams? Who the fuck turns his head and reckons that leaving behind that essence feels like a mistake and also pushes forward to the best friendship path? You could call it a platonic and authentic friendship. Or just pure stupidity; but it’s real, it’s here and I’m glad I have that in my life. 

And today is about letting her know that. As those who know me will understand and for those who don’t know me, will, I’m a guy who finds love emotions quite…overwhelming. My head kind of collapses and reboots trying to understand emotional affection and despite being easy for me to speak my feelings out loud and honest, due to past traumatic experiences, love crashes against a solid wall of fear and I became someone for whom letting people in, is not easy at all. (Working on it I swear)

But back to the emotional story, “J” and I officially met at the window of the apartment I lived in, a couple of years ago. She was the new neighbour, the pretty girl of the the floor upstairs that out of the blue said -hi neighbor!- with a smile, and asked for the phone number of the building janitor. We had a small but efficient talk that resulted into the exchange of phone numbers and days after, a reunion with some friends, good music, solid laughing and smooth dancing moves that would create consequent magical and orgasmical moments of recreation. 

After a couple of months and hanging out basically everyday, my birthday comes to the play and as “Fire” of Jimmy Hendrix was on the speakers and beer was flowing like a sacred stream, she comes to me, with flowers and ask me if I would be her bf. -You are insane, why do you want to do that?- I said. (Not common at all to receive flowers, less common from from a beautiful girl, I was confused as fuck).

As quick background, for good or worse, I’ve experienced long type ocean distance relationships, more than twice. I know the drill; and back then I had in my mind my desires of applying to the program I am now, to go abroad, to explore the world, conquer it and to not let any kind of bound stop me to accomplish that. I know, a selfish and unstoppable prick. Additionally, by then, and before I met her, I had also everything booked and planned to go to the 1st tomorrowland in magical Brazil and let the carioca love embed me. She knew all that. The fuck mate!? And she still dared, -either madly in love or madly stupid, but very dangerous indeed.- I thought. -“J” what will happen when I go, and we start talking in Skype and we’ll miss each other and we’ll realise there’s no way we can meet unless I come or you go across the Atlantic? Why do you want to suffer?- I said. To what she basically said -well why not? I like you, you like me and that is that. If you go and it’s over, it’s over.- I would like to express that I was 100000% sure she had no fucking idea what she was putting herself into. But despite that, I was also sure that she was actually willing to go for it, she’s as straight forward as I am, plus her eyes and ridiculously amazing hair (and boobs) just made me fall for her that night. 

Months passed. Laughs, hugs, orgasms, movies, video games, food, more orgasms, whisky, love. We’ve never fought about anything. Discussions and debates yes, plenty, but no matter how harsh the subject was, always through effective and honest communication. One mistake. Conjured by both of us separately while I was in Brazil. Not as dramatic and painful as hooking up with another person, but close enough to almost throw everything to the void and keep walking with no turning back. And surprisingly it did not happen. Again, call it stupidity, pointlessness and nonsense bullshit. Maybe the fact that we both did it for the “similar” and pendejas reasons, made us realise our love. Maybe the fact that I was under massive pressure and that she stayed there no matter what, granted me another perspective of love. Maybe we wanted to be madly together and realise that in matter of weeks everything would be over and unconsciously seek the easiest exit. Maybe it was indeed love. But we managed to keep going. 

A genius and smart designer, sharp to evaluate life scenarios but not so much for food taste; rebel, crazy, noble, honest and with cool music taste. A crafty artist in charge of designing my next tattoo.  With OCD, willing to talk at 4 am about random shit and animal lover. A very good listener and not scared of speaking her mind out. Witty. Objectively attractive even while using ridiculous shoes and getting distracted every 17 seconds. My partner in crime, my best friend and one of the pillars of my life. 

I honestly never thought this sort of affection existed. Even less that I would have it. But as said, I’m more than grateful with life for having this clumsy and annoying Mexican in my heart. 

The last time we saw each other was at the wedding of my brother, for 3 days, after 8 months of absence. Special, emotional, cool and fun. I have almost no clue when or if we’ll meet again. Not soon for sure. Happiness, love and more happiness is everything I wish to her, in her birthday and everyday. Afraid should be the lad who could hurt her, and not of me, she has a tremendous right jab. I miss her very much and despite we have our differences in life perspectives, I respect and love her for who she is and for what she does. 

Entiendo bien lo complejo que es estar en tus zapatos, sé que sabes lo fácil que es tirar la toalla y sentirse agobiado por todo. Pero eres imparable. Lazy y torpe, pero imparable. Qué tan lejos estás dispuesta a llegar? Que nada te detenga. No tengas miedo. No hay excusas. Pero sin decir “chilo” por fa. 

Thanks for always being there “J”, for taking care of me, for loving me and for always being authentically you. Happy birthday. 

Love ya torps.

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Tomorrowland Brasil 2015

The 27th floor.

27 years old. That age which according to many “standard” opinions of society, you’re supposed to be right in the path of settlement, transforming yourself into a total grown up, combing your hair everyday, having or seeking a good job and of course a stable relationship; some are getting engaged, married, even with kids. FB status and pictures saying “YES” or “I DO” everywhere. It is also a stage where people say stuff to you like “AH you’re just one step closer to the 3rd floor!” or “27? oh god, well do you remember that list of things to do before you become 30?” and my personal favorite “27…and you’re single?”. It is indeed a very annoying social pressure that goes straight onto your shoulders and plays with your mind since it defines you as “old”. My personal opinion? I don’t give a shit about that and ask you to listen “I just want to celebrate” by Rare Earth right now.

Furthermore, by my age, most of the great genius minds of history already discovered and developed revolutionary ideas like gas turbines, black holes and quantum mechanics theories, and made the world a better and more technological place and yeah, as an engineer, when you remember your last job as being 8 hrs. sitting on a chair in front of a computer well…it is sometimes a bit overwhelming; I do want to make the world a better place but…what if there are other ways to do it?

I confess to you my dear “lectores” that I actually had a recent age crisis and a whole emotional breakdown because I did feel totally lost about my “stable” life (back to the point expressed in previous paragraphs). After coming back from the magical wedding of my brother in Mexico, I spent a couple of entire days in the bed watching “heroic” and motivational movies, just eating nutella, using breaks for aeroelasticity HW and figuring out WTF was going on; then the reality kicked in and understood that my absolutely non-conventional way of thinking and living life is grand. In fact, it is just brilliant. Well, sometimes at least.

For me, a birthday is what for others might be new year’s eve. It is a day in which I look back and review what have I done right, what have I done wrong, what I liked, what I didn’t. For me it is a deep reflexion time and helps me to see where I am, and where I want to go. It is also the perfect excuse to party hard and drink my favorite alcohol.

Despite exactly a year ago, a beautiful mexican girl also known as “J” got me drunk and asked me to be her boyfriend for a limited time contract, I won’t bore you with what happened during the last year, and instead, I will focus on some facts about my present and show off a little bit:

Today I live in Stockholm, Sweden, I don’t have a girlfriend, I certainly don’t feel the need of getting married and the kids window has not even being discovered #fuckno. I live with a student scholarship and struggle with it at the end of every month, sometimes have to study 10 hours for a test and get pissed because of a mediocre grade, perform 8 hour aeromechanics simulations while the sun shines outside. Sometimes I dance and move in the subway when I’m in a good mood while listening to Sex Machine of James Brown in my iPod. I have a loud and honest laugh. I sing while walking on the street, smile and wave at strange people and steal coffee from the professor’s machine. I cannot say I’m not open for love, you never know what will happen, but for now let’s say I’m stimulated in knowing interesting people. Out of and in the bed of course.

Sometimes, it looks like I truly don’t care, like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, like I’m just letting myself go into the mainstream. #honeybadger. Not entirely true though (although sometimes I don’t give a fuck about some people).

I might not be one of the 21st century great minds, not even close, but it is also true that at my 27 years, I’ve had the incredible chance of visiting 14 different countries and more than 50 cities across the world (and counting), I speak 3 different languages fluently and another 3 with good survival skills, I can cook, dance, play 2 instruments, really appreciate exotic and good food and drinks, prepare delicious cocktails, make people smile with simple stuff, have a decent muscled look and have an IQ of 142. I can box, give awesome massages, appreciate good music; I can give mind-blowing kisses, have received mind-blowing kisses and have shared and done some more with international beautiful female beings (physically and emotionally). I even have lived a couple of times during/aftersex,  that eye-look that drills into your soul and makes you feel totally alive and in peace. I live in the country with the most beautiful women of the planet. I am the fucking 3rd mexican of my whole country that studies a program in aeromechanics and turbomachinery and 6th or 7th of the whole american continent. I have survived 2 times to death events and I know what it is to have fear of dying, I cherish my life with all my strength. And I’m convinced Donald Trump is a complete dickhead.

But even beyond all that, even more importantly for me, I know the meaning of true friendship and true brotherhood. I have a family that loves me and supports me as crazy as I am. I might know what true love is, at least close to it (including chocolate cake and tacos). I know what it means to be surrounded by 200,000 people in a massive music festival and also to be totally on my own thousands of km away from everyone I know, and still feel happy and enjoy it. I have fulfilled many of my dreams and won’t stop now. I’ve felt what it means to be happy. I am happy.

I certainly don’t care about having millions of euros in my account, having a nice loft and a porsche at the garage. Even if that sounds nice and might be feasible one day, it’s definitely not the 1st priority of my life now. At my 27 years old, I have learned that living life is about knowing yourself, accepting yourself, loving yourself and just enjoy that ride. Is about waking up, look yourself at the mirror and say “HEY…YOU’RE DAMN HOT” and believe in yourself, believe you can achieve whatever you want, whenever you want. PLUS it is also about sharing. I might have repeated this a thousand times but people, energy is always transferred and if you’re happy about yourself, you will definitely start a contagious effect and people around you will notice and might feel happier about themselves as well. A matter of energy equilibrium. Next time you’re on the street try to make someone truly smile with a simple detail. A smile, a chocolate, a flower. That is my simple and maybe stupid idea of making the world a better place. A happier place.

Today I feel privileged of driving on this road and I’m more than thankful with my life for everything I’ve experienced, everything I’ve seen, everything I’ve learned and of course I know there is way more to come. So today, in my birthday, I invite you to be strange, to be weird, to think outside the box and to think that “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” (Courtesy of “Z”); to take that risk you’re always been afraid of, to fight for that thing that makes you’re heartbeat sound out loud, to pursue your dreams and not give up.

Life is not always bright, in fact it is sometimes a passive aggressive bitch; so for me it is more a matter of looking the brighter and good side of life. That is what makes me happy, and yeah, maybe one day I’ll be able to share my crazy stuff with another crazy partner, keep traveling the world together and look after baby pandas for a day. Even on a far faaar away day I might be holding a baby that carries my DNA and commit my life to that being. But today, just now, I will enjoy my Glenmorangie 18, smile to life and share this happiness with all of you. I do hope you smile back, that celebrate this day with me and for those also having a birthday today, felicidades cabronas y cabrones.

P.S. Free mind-blowing kisses for my birthday.

The one who stopped taking risks, stopped living life.

Anonymus.

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